Today was kind of tough, and it was really tiring.
Trying not to run into certain people that I’m upset with.
Also trying not to run into my feelings. (I prefer to believe that they don’t exist sometimes.) I don’t want to acknowledge them right now.

Today I drew a thing. :)

lifeandlatine:

Today in Latin: penis wind chimes.

Some of my friends made the decision to do something that they knew would be a trigger for me. I had asked them not to do it previously, but when I did they tried to invalidate my trigger and said some really, really hurtful things. And then, of course, they did it anyway, triggering a serious panic attack.

And did I mention it’s my birthday?

Well thanks to one of the people I went to prom with for telling me that I’m “blowing the situation out of proportion.”

Apparently they figured I might be having a panic attack, but I guess no one thought to call to make sure I was ok.

They could have have gone to coat check and gotten their phones out to call me.

Either no one noticed I was gone or they just didn’t wonder where I was until after they had checked in.

I guess no one thought “hey, maybe we should get our phones out of coat check to make sure she hasn’t contacted us,” and after they realized I was gone no one thought to keep their phone on them in case I texted them.

And that still doesn’t explain why it took 40 minutes for them to get back to me.

Only one of them has asked if I was ok since I left prom last night. Only three have even bothered to get in touch with me, and they did it the next day. And one of those three told me not “blow the situation out of proportion” and not to blame it on them.

I should probably start to prepare myself for even more criticism now.

(See previous two #mylife posts for context.)
So last night I asked the friends I went to prom with if they’d please not upload the pictures I was in to the Internet, because it might be triggering for me. (I think it would definitely trigger anxiety and likely a panic attack too.)
One of my friends commented later, asking why and saying that it would probably cut out some good pictures. This makes me really frustrated. First of all, I had just clearly explained why, and second, doesn’t preventing a potential trigger for me come before attractive pictures of everyone? I know the world doesn’t revolve around me, but they were already taking pictures for 20 minutes before I even arrived, and there were like six parents taking pictures. That should be enough photos to find a good one of them without me in it. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed that people would rather try to prevent me from having a panic attack than post those couple of good photos with me in them on the Internet.

lifeandlatine:

Chapter 1:
It was cool in the shade. A soft breeze rustled through the branches, and sunlight filtered down between the green of the leaves above. Sighing, Cornelia settled back against the rough trunk of the tree, shifting in order to attain a more comfortable position…

Yeah, I was part of this. It was for a good cause, ok?

Are you flipping kidding me? (See previous #mylife post for context.)
My friend just sent me this text:

“Hey? Since you checked in but didn’t let an adult know that you left, they’re panicking. And they were about to call the police. When you get this text, could you have your mom call the above number? Thanks.”

What the hell, I didn’t check in. I didn’t make it that far. And no one bothered to tell me this earlier? You have got to be kidding me.

I have a panic disorder, you see, and tonight I went to prom with some of my friends. I walked in the front door of the building where prom was and immediately got a full-on panic attack. I didn’t even make it to the check-in. I just stood there in the front hallway, and my friends all walked away to go check in, so I slipped out the front doors and walked over to this train (I think it’s an exhibit or something) that’s outside near the forestry center (where prom was). I sat behind it to hide from the arriving prom-goers who were walking to the building and called my mom to come pick me up. I then texted four of my friends who had their phones with them that I had had a panic attack and was going home. Then I broke down, and started silently sobbing and shaking and having a super-intense panic attack whilst sitting behind a flipping train exhibit and hiding from people I knew who were walking by. My mom picked me up after about 20 minutes and drove me home. A half hour after I had originally sent the text to my four friends, I get a text from one of my other friends at prom asking where I was. None of the four friends I texted had checked their phones. It had been 40 minutes since I fled out the doors of prom, and no one had bothered to ask me where I was for 40 minutes. They either didn’t realize I was gone, or just didn’t bother to text me.
So basically that sucked.

I haven’t been on the actual Tumblr website in a long time. Wow, it’s changed a lot. I like it.

I ship Stormaggedon and Lilith.

Just FYI, I now have a panic attack workbook.
It’s an actual workbook, with quizzes and questions you have to answer and stuff. Just like we had in lower school. But for panic attacks instead.
I know, it’s pretty cool.

No response.
I’m being ignored.
Well, maybe it’s for the best.
It probably is for the best.
I’m not sure that it would’ve worked out anyway.
It was conceptually dangerous.
Likely impulsive.
I probably couldn’t have gone through with anything big.
God knows I’m far too scared.
And far too confused.

doglets:

actually all of my systems are nervous

I really need to stop loving people who don’t love, or like, or barely tolerate themselves.

Because at this point I know that few things hurt more than seeing someone you love hate themself.